With every new year comes the need for a fresh start and the new year resolutions. I knew I didn’t want to go down that road again. I have made so many in the past and kept so few.
I had an epiphany while choosing pictures for my parents to take back home. We had a couple more hours to spend together before their flight and what was I doing…sitting at my desk checking my Goodreads feed and my Flickr account. I realized I was hiding behind my computer. I was keeping my mind off their imminent departure by keeping busy. I didn’t want to deal with my feelings. Sadness, regret, fear..I just didn’t want to feel any of it.
I live with a constant fear. One I could muzzle most days but that a late phone call or my husband tardiness could send in overdrive…. The fear of loosing the people I love. So I hide. I hide behind food, behind web surfing or excessive social networking, I try to record all the memories all the little moments…anything that can keep my mind off my fear or give me a sense of control. Anything that can numb the pain.
For this year I decided to confront my fear. I can’t do much about my loved ones mortality. We are all here for a certain time. I can only change how I react to it. I can hide or I can acknowledge it and live with it.
I will not numb the pain with food
I will not numb it by loosing myself on the internet
I will not numb it by sweating the small stuff
I will not hide
I will be here
I will be present
I will record the little and the big moment
I will use whatever time I am given and enjoy every bit of it…as long as it lasts