this year

 

 

With every new year comes the need for a fresh start and the new year resolutions. I knew I didn’t want to go down that road again. I have made so many in the past and kept so few.

I had an epiphany while choosing pictures for my parents to take back home. We had a couple more hours to spend together before their flight and what was I doing…sitting at my desk checking my Goodreads feed and my Flickr account. I realized I was hiding behind my computer. I was keeping my mind off their imminent departure by keeping busy. I didn’t want to deal with my feelings. Sadness, regret, fear..I just didn’t want to feel any of it.

I live with a constant fear. One I could muzzle most days but that a late phone call or my husband tardiness could send in overdrive….  The fear of loosing the people I love. So I hide. I hide behind food, behind web surfing or excessive social networking, I try to record all the memories all the little moments…anything that can keep my mind off my fear or give me a sense of control. Anything that can numb the pain.

For this year I decided to confront my fear. I can’t do much about my loved ones mortality. We are all here for a certain time. I can only change how I react to it. I can hide or I can acknowledge it and live with it.

I will not numb the pain with food

I will not numb it by loosing myself on the internet

I will not numb it by sweating the small stuff

I will not hide

I will be here

I will be present

I will record the little and the big moment

I will use whatever time I am given and enjoy every bit of it…as long as it lasts

7 thoughts on “this year

  1. How brazen of you for posting this. Sometimes we all need that reminder. This life is all we have and the most important part of it are those we love. We must make the most of the time we have with them!

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  2. It’s always helpful when you recognize where you need to change, isn’t it? I wasted a lot of time last year, and am determined NOT to make the same mistake this year. Best of luck to you!

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  3. On a les mmes angoisses, c’est pour a qu’on est copines ?!Je pense que l’loignement joue, je le ressens plus fort depuis que je suis Vienne…J’espre russir tenir cette rsolution. On s’encourage !
    Enormes bises.

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