I am 37 years old. In the roller coaster that’s life I feel I am nearing the top of the curve. The view is amazing but I won’t lie the way down fills me with angst. Some of you might gasp and admonish me but I find comfort in knowing that Carl Jung agrees with me. He thought 35 was the beginning of middle age, I just gave myself two extra years.
The proof that I am now an adult are piling up: a husband, three kids, two graduate degrees, a mortgage, a minivan, some wrinkles and THE gray hair. Yes the kinky white strands that remind me that I am far from the 20 year old I still feel I am.
The realization that I am now nearing the middle of life came in little moments. Nothing grandiose, no light bulb moment or parting of the skies . Health scares for both my father and father-in-law; cancer hitting hard and close; friends loosing parents and siblings. It feels that just yesterday all we could talk about was college, internship and first jobs. Wedding and pregnancies followed closely by teething babies and the difficulties of taking a shower with a toddler in tow. As my own children are rapidly gaining in independence and now that my arms are not needed to carry them around anymore this realization was made even more acute. I am in a different place in life.
Part of being a grown up is accepting what will never be, the lessening of the options. It is both saddening and liberating. I have built the house and I am settling in now. My skin feels more comfortable and my priorities are clearer. I know where I belong and what I want. This realization has led me to rethink some of my choices and made me take steps to secure my well being as well as that of my family.
One of my decisions is related to this space. I thought about quitting, I felt tapped, I didn’t have words to share anymore or so I thought. Then I realized that I bubble with words I just censure myself. Some of the censure came from the fact that family members read the blog, the rest was the result of reading one too many “how to blog” and comparing myself to one too many bloggers. The underlying problem was that I wanted to accrue my readership, I started thinking of “likability” and trends. I was over-thinking and I lost my voice and the joy of writing in the process.
I decided to continue this adventure because writing and being here is as necessary to me as holding my camera up to my eye. It is my sanity. In the next weeks some of my posts might be long others shorts and some will be just images or none at all. I will be honest, funny, irreverent or annoying, sad and happy but I will be myself all the the time. I am not a product and I am not selling you any crap (yes you might see a curse word here and there).
I will write about my thoughts, life, raising children, photography and knitting. I will share what catches my eye and make my heart sing. I will not push anything out of the frame to make you think my life is any different than anyone out there.
I started this post was different when I started it but ended up sounding like my blog statement of intention. All of this to say, I’m me and I like it … most days.