So I turned 40..

and the bottom fell out. 

My body just begged for a break. It started with vertigo and ended with a 72 hours hospital stay. My heart was beating slower, my blood pressure was low and no one could come up with an explanation. I am still seeing a lot of doctors and trying to understand. But i think i know what’s happening:It’s my body telling me that it can’t keep going like this.

 I have a lousy diet, I exercise but not vigorously, I can go for almost a whole day with no water until the 4pm headache hits. I take care of everyone and hardly ever of me. I worry too much about the if’s and whether or not I should get a job. I am never satisfied with what I do I always think I should do more, read more, knit faster, volunteer more. If you would ask me what I am good at I wouldn’t really know what to say. And then I hit the wall and ended up hooked to an IV with doctors and nurses rushing all around.

I didn’t really get to sleep much in the hospital but i did a lot of thinking. Mainly that I needed to put me in the center of my life. I need to take the time to sit down and nourish my body. Make the time to exercise, make the time to feed my soul. I need to find myself again. Marriage and motherhood chipped little pieces of me and I need to get to know me better.

As a type A my first instinct was to sit down with pen and paper and make lists of everything I needed done/changed/transformed and quick. Instead I am pondering my next move. The children are all in school and for the first time in the past 11 years I am left with chunks of free time. I resisted filling them and instead I want to figure out what I really need and want to do.  Should I be taking classes, do I want to work, do I spend more time on my blog or should I just fold and let it be. A very good friend told me to take the year to figure it out and I realize what a luxury it is to have this time to think.

I feel a bit exposed writing this but then I don’t know how else to write. One of the things I regret about the blog is that I have tried to conform and sanitize my voice. I guess the fun thing about being 40 now is that I realize that I am who I am and I don’t feel the need to hide it anymore.

One thought on “So I turned 40..

  1. Your very good friend has given you the best possible advice. Take time to review and assess. Listen to the Doctor’s advice and get yourself healthy once more. This all takes time and isn’t an easy process. I am twenty years older and still feel that I have a lot to learn and experience. And yes, I really should listen to myself more often. As well as attending to my own friend’s advice.Do get well soon.Best wishes,Mandy(Writing from the heart of Cheshire, a county in the centre of the UK.)

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