and the bottom fell out.
My body just begged for a break. It started with vertigo and ended with a 72 hours hospital stay. My heart was beating slower, my blood pressure was low and no one could come up with an explanation. I am still seeing a lot of doctors and trying to understand. But i think i know what’s happening:It’s my body telling me that it can’t keep going like this.
I have a lousy diet, I exercise but not vigorously, I can go for almost a whole day with no water until the 4pm headache hits. I take care of everyone and hardly ever of me. I worry too much about the if’s and whether or not I should get a job. I am never satisfied with what I do I always think I should do more, read more, knit faster, volunteer more. If you would ask me what I am good at I wouldn’t really know what to say. And then I hit the wall and ended up hooked to an IV with doctors and nurses rushing all around.
I didn’t really get to sleep much in the hospital but i did a lot of thinking. Mainly that I needed to put me in the center of my life. I need to take the time to sit down and nourish my body. Make the time to exercise, make the time to feed my soul. I need to find myself again. Marriage and motherhood chipped little pieces of me and I need to get to know me better.
As a type A my first instinct was to sit down with pen and paper and make lists of everything I needed done/changed/transformed and quick. Instead I am pondering my next move. The children are all in school and for the first time in the past 11 years I am left with chunks of free time. I resisted filling them and instead I want to figure out what I really need and want to do. Should I be taking classes, do I want to work, do I spend more time on my blog or should I just fold and let it be. A very good friend told me to take the year to figure it out and I realize what a luxury it is to have this time to think.
I feel a bit exposed writing this but then I don’t know how else to write. One of the things I regret about the blog is that I have tried to conform and sanitize my voice. I guess the fun thing about being 40 now is that I realize that I am who I am and I don’t feel the need to hide it anymore.